Mozzarella Capra (American style)

Fresh mozzarella capra -
delicious with tomato and
basil, if your basil survives
dust-bathing chickens (ours
didn't)

Helen had almost banned mozzarella making, because until recently, it had always ended in dismal failure, and wasted milk. Then one Sunday, for no apparent reason, a real American* mozzarella emerged from the farmhouse kitchen.

Mozzarella cabra - ingredients

4 L goat milk
1 1/4 t citric acid
1/2 t rennet dissolved in 1/4 C water

1. Heat the milk to 88°F. Just before the milk reaches 88°F, sprinkle the citric acid over the top** and stir in. When the milk reaches 88°F, stir in the rennet.

2. Sit for an hour, or until a clean break is achieved. During this time, prepare your brine - combine 8 oz (225 g)  salt with 1 quart (1 liter) of boiled water. Leave to cool (in the fridge or freezer, if need be).

3. When a clean break is achieved, cut curds into 1" (2.4 cm) squares, and drain off a little whey, leaving enough to cover the curds. Sit for 10 minutes.

4. Stir the curds, and cut any that didn't get cut into 1" squares. Heat slowly to 108°F (this is easiest done by placing your pot of curds in a sink or bucket of hot water), and stand at 108°F for 40 minutes, occasionally stirring gently. During this time your curds will matt together and become slightly elastic.

5. Over a stove, heat curds and whey to 140°F, kneading with a spoon whilst heating:

5 a. The curds will knit together - fold them over and press into one another with a spoon. Between 120 and 130°F the curds will become increasingly elastic - dangle them off the edge of your spoon to start stretching them:

Curds at 120°F - starting to get pliable

130°F - starting to get elastic
(but still a long way to go)

Stretchy - almost there...

Smoother and stretchier - progress!

Approaching 140°F...

 5 b. Eventually (by 140°F), you will be able to stretch the curds with two hands:

Stretch! at 140°F, very elastic
(no hands pictured,
as one is busy operating the camera)

Should the curds lose their stretch, simply dip back in the hot whey, fold with your spoon, then resume kneading.

5 c. Knead and stretch until your curds are shiny and smooth.

Brine - fresh mozzarella still shows
the layers from stretching.

6. Drop your ball of mozzarella into the cold brine and leave for 10 to 30 minutes, depending on how salty you like it.

7. Reassure your goat that her milk didn't go to waste - this time.

8. Apologize to the pigs, who have always enjoyed failed mozzarella in the past.

Store*** fresh mozzarella in the fridge. A perfectly successful batch of mozzarella will melt when heated. Less successful batches retain their shape somewhat under heat, but are apparently still perfectly edible.

*The difference between American and Italian mozzarella appears to be due to the addition of citric acid in American mozzarella - the citric acid speeds up the acidification process quite significantly. With Italian mozzarella, acidification occurs due to the use of a slower-acting culture (like buttermilk).


**If the citric acid is not stirred into the milk very quickly, it will cause the milk to curdle instantly. If this happens, don't panic - your curds will look funny and wobbly when you cut them (it won't look like a proper clean break, no matter how long you wait), but your mozzarella should still turn out just fine.

***Fresh mozzarella has a limited shelf life. Over the next few weeks, Helen and I will try brining mozzarella, to make it last longer.

Share milking

Better with Feta, in moderation, at least.

Mr Farmer wants a holiday, but Helen needs to be milked every day, twice a day, twelve hours apart. The solution to the problem is obvious: Mr Farmer needs to take Helen on holiday with him.

Neither Mr Farmer nor Helen like the solution. Mr Farmer says he can't take a goat on holiday. Helen says she wouldn't want to go on holiday with Mr Farmer, even if he begged. Unless, of course, Mr Farmer was holidaying in a hay barn or at the Fiskens' grain-processing plant, but Helen doubts that Mr Farmer has this sort of exciting holiday in mind.

A second solution is proposed: Mr Farmer needs to hire a relief milker, to cover milking duties in his absence. An ad is placed in the Countryside Chronicle (and in Ewes of the World, for good measure), and several applicants apply. One applicant shines through - an applicant with extensive milking experience - an applicant who is willing to milk Helen at least twice a day, if not more. In what may be a first at Fiveacres, Helen and Mr Farmer are in agreement: They have found their ideal relief milker.

Feta is offered a trial, and accepts instantly. Her first week goes without a hitch - Feta takes two litres every day, and leaves two for cheese. Mr Farmer and Helen are relieved - pleased, even - and decide to offer Feta a temporary share milking contract until she begins her relief milking over Christmas. Feta accepts, and even offers to take on extra duties on weekends (and all other times when Mr Farmer wants to sleep in or stay out late).

Things go downhill after the contract is signed. Feta forgets that her job title is share milker, and drinks almost all the milk, every day. There is barely enough left for Mr Farmer's coffee. Mr Farmer has a conundrum: he wants a holiday, but does not like black coffee.

Additionally, Feta gets bored between milkings. To pass the time, Feta teaches herself to jump on top of her house. When that becomes easy, Feta tries to jump from the top of her house onto Helen's back. Over the course of the week, Feta perfects the technique, and begins to wonder about her chances at the Olympics. Helen is not impressed, and suggests that Mr Farmer forgo his holiday and dismiss Feta under the 90-day-trial law. Kids are such hard work, says Helen. Even harder work than farmers.

Another solution is proposed: Feta is to be employed only between the hours of 6.30 pm and 6.30 am. At other times, she is to be put into daycare. Feta will commence full-time employment only when Mr Farmer goes on holiday. Helen likes this solution, because it means she can live the life of a young, attractive and care-free goat during the day. Mr Farmer likes this solution, because it means there is sufficient milk for coffee and cheese. Feta does not like this solution, but is distracted when she discovers that she can jump up the side of the big a-frame goat house and almost make it to the top.

The solution works well, but soon - as always happens on the farm - another problem rears its ugly head: Someone has started a rumor about a permanent sharemilking position for Feta.

Cotija Cabra

Cotija - a burrito's best friend.

Cotija is a hard cheese traditionally made with cow milk. Although everything is better with goat milk (according to Feta), this recipe for cotija can be made with cow milk.

For a step-by-step guide with pictures, see this page, or continue below for the recipe:

2 L goat milk

1 T yogurt

1/8 t rennet, in 1 T water

1/2 to 1 T salt (to taste)

Heat milk to 86°F, add yogurt, ripen one hour. Add rennet to water, rest while the milk ripens.

After an hour, add rennet to milk, whisk. Rest at about 86°F for 45 minutes.

Cut curds into quarter-inch squares, rest 10 minutes, then stir gently.

Slowly heat the curds and whey to 95°F - this should take about 20 minutes. Rest five minutes.

Drain curds.

Hold curds at 95°F for 10 minutes, stirring occasionally. Drain off any whey that is expelled from the curds during this time.

Stir in salt.

Place curds into a cheese-cloth-lined mold, then press:

- 2.25 kg for 10 minutes, flip cheese, press another 10 minutes with the same weight

- 4.5 kg for 60 minutes

- 7.5 kg for 12 hours

While the cheese is pressing, prepare a brine of 1 1/2 C salt and 1 quart (about 1 liter) water.

Remove from press, and soak in cold brine overnight. Age in a cool, dry cupboard for two weeks.

Serve grated over slow-cooked pulled pork and black beans.

Thanksgiving: A murder mystery

The accused, Trusty Sidekick, with one of the victim's
siblings, in happier times.

The trial of the dog accused of killing turkey chick De Ceased began in Fiveacres Court today. Trusty Sidekick was released on bail after her arrest last week on suspicion of murder, having being caught carrying a lifeless and wounded De Ceased in her mouth.

The prosecution allege that Sidekick, suspected to be a prospect in the Mongrel Mob, was put up to the killing by convicted murderer Lecter.

After Sidekick and her legal team entered a not guilty plea, an outburst of fowl language saw parents of the victim, Tiff and Bob Turkey, removed from the dock.

Sidekick's legal team claim that De Ceased was the victim of neglect by his parents, and pointed to the De Licious debacle, the disappearance of the victim's sibling, and the fact that Chicken and Young Fowl Services (CYF) had already removed 20 newly-hatched chicks from Tiff and Bob's care prior to the incident.

Sidekick gave evidence that she had heard the cries of an injured turkey chick in the neighboring paddock, and had found De Ceased, apparently abandoned and badly wounded. Sidekick stated that she gently gathered the young turkey in her mouth and rushed him to Fiveacres to seek medical attention. Despite her dogged efforts, De Ceased died in Sidekick's mouth before she reached the boundary fence.

An egg-spert for-hen-sic investigator testified that De Ceased's wounds were consistent with puncture marks caused by teeth, but that the teeth could have been those of a cat, rat, stoat or dog.

The prosecution today issued a statement that the defense's argument was merely a cheep shot at grieving parents. The trial continues next week.

Halloumi

Halloumi, with good friends Greek salad and
lemon-garlic dressing

(and a bit of ricotta)

4 L goat milk
1 t rennet dissolved in 1 t water
10 T salt

1. Heat milk to 95°F (35°C).
2. Add the rennet dissolved in water, and whisk in. Cover and leave to sit 1 hour, or until a clean break is achieved.
3. Cut the curds into 1" squares, and rest 10 minutes.
4. Spoon the curds out to drain in a cheesecloth - retain the whey (you'll need it all). Leave the curds to hang for 24 hours.
5. Meanwhile, combine 4 C whey with the salt, and refrigerate - this makes your brine. Refrigerate the rest of the whey - you'll need it for cooking your curds.
6. After the curds have hung for 24 hours, cut them into chunks. We cut our curds into four, giving us chunks 1" thick.
7. Heat the whey to 194°F (90°C) - watch the temperature closely, and don't exceed 203°F (95°C). As the whey heats, ricotta will start to form on the surface. You can skim this off and put aside - or ignore it (it makes only a small amount, which annoys Mr Farmer, but it is very tasty).
8. Cook the curds in the whey for 30 minutes, watching the temperature closely. The chunks of curd should be almost spongy after cooking.
9. Remove the curds from the whey, drain until cool, then add to brine. Leave 24 hours, to let the flavor develop.
10. Give a treat to the generous goat who provided you with the milk.

Better with Feta

Spring came. The sheep gave birth, the chicks hatched, and the grass grew. Helen's tummy got bigger and bigger, but no goat kids arrived.

Helen had been living with Albie throughout Winter. Albie was sure he was the father of the unborn kid - after all, Roger hadn't been anywhere near Helen. Roger replied that in that case, it had to be a phantom pregnancy.

Helen kept silent, until this afternoon, when Feta was born. Albie was elated. There was nothing sheepish about Feta. Roger had to agree. Little Feta was decidedly goaty. It was the nose, Roger said. Roman. And the ears. They were big - Nubian, almost. Yes, said Roger, little Feta looked just like a goat he knew. That one that Helen used to hang around with. Yes, said Roger, Feta looks just like Helen's ex-boyfriend Trevor.

Caprino Romano

Ugly but delicious: caprino romano (a first attempt)

With thanks to Helen, who provided the milk last year (and Albie, who was indirectly involved in milk production).

for the cheese:
4 L goats milk
1/4 t rennet
1/2 C acidophilus yogurt (we use De Winkel)

for the brine:
1.5 C salt
4 C hot water

Heat milk to 32°C, stir in culture. Ripen 1 hour, covered.
Meanwhile, dissolve rennet in 3 to 4 T water. Once milk has ripened, add rennet to milk, whisk in thoroughly.
Leave 90 minutes, or until a clean break is obtained.
Cut curds into 1/4" cubes, rest 10 minutes.
Raise the temperature very slowly to 46°C, to dry out the curds. This should take about 45 minutes. Stir the curds gently every few minutes, to prevent them from matting together.
Once 46°C is reached, drain*, place curds in a cheesecloth-lined mold.
Press at 4.5kg for 30 minutes.
Flip, press at 11.4kg for 3 hours.
Press at 18 kg for 12 hours. When you start this stage, prepare your brine (this gives the brine enough time to cool).
Remove cheese from press, and carefully peel off cheesecloth**.
Float in cold brine for 12 hours, flipping at least 3 times.
Remove, pat dry, and age in a cool, dry space*** for at least 5 months. During the first two weeks of aging, flip the cheese daily. Thereafter, flip weekly, or whenever you remember.

Apparently you can age for up to a year, if you have the patience. The result after about 6 months of aging is a subtle, mild, but tasty Romano.

If you find your cheese is developing mold on the outside, remove the mold (with salt and vinegar, or a knife), and rub the outside with salt.

Romano is a great substitute for Parmesan cheese - perfect grated fresh over pasta, or added sparingly to a pizza. We have continued to keep ours in the cheese cupboard, and not in the fridge.

*Our recipe said to hold at 46°C for 30 to 45 minutes before draining, but we couldn't get the curds to matt together afterwards, so we skipped this step the second time around, with a much better result.

**Some recipes suggest piercing the cheese all over with a fork before brining, presumably to allow the salty brine to get into the cheese. We weren't sure ours would stand up to the fork treatment, but will try this next time.

***Mr Farmer was kind enough to install a metal rack in the top of our former vacuum cleaner cupboard. The former vacuum cleaner cupboard - now the cheese cupboard - is cool, dark, airy, and (relative to other areas of the house) has low humidity. It is perfect for aging the cheese, although the now-homeless vacuum cleaner feels slightly jilted.

Why you should never transplant carrots

Turkish Delight

Tiffany, Yortu, Bob, De Sappeared and De Coy (from left to
right), in happier times.

Yortu was arrested at the boundary fence some months ago, on suspicion of child smuggling. Yortu and the two turkey chicks found in her possession - De Sappeared and De Coy - were remanded in custody, without bail.

Yortu's cellmate Tiffany was not your average jailbird. Tiffany was a young white turkey who, despite a sheltered upbringing in an affluent neighborhood, had fallen in with the wrong crowd, and been arrested for assaulting a blind cat.

Proud Dad Bob with Yortu, De Sappeared and De Coy.

The duo - Yortu, a runaway with connections to the Guinea Fowl Gang, and Tiffany, a misguided youngster from a well-to-do family - became unlikely friends. De Sappeared and De Coy took an instant liking to 'Aunty Tiff'. When Bob, a proud father once again, came to meet his two offspring for the first time, he too took an instant liking to Tiff.

The rest was history, but between misguided Aunty Tiff, mischievous Yortu, and love-stricken (and often broken-hearted) Bob, De Coy and De Sappeared grew up on the wrong side of the fence, falling fowl of the law and becoming prospects in the Guinea Fowl Gang at an early age. Things took a turn for the worse when De Sappeared was hauled down to the Stytion for a grilling over his involvement in the murder of Detective Inspector P Igg.

De Sappeared has not been seen since he entered the Sytion on that fateful Saturday. It is rumored that he gave crucial evidence against the alleged killer in exchange for immunity from prosecution, and was subsequently given a new identity and put into the Witness Protection Scheme. Although nobody knows for sure, sources say De Sappeared now lives in the farmhouse kitchen, under the alias of De Licious.

Manuka-smoked turkey

One small turkey (De Sappeared was about 4 months old and weighed 5lb)

Pluck and gut the turkey, but do not skin it - the skin helps to keep the meat moist. Gently loosen the breast meat from the skin with your hands to allow maximum connection with the brine. For added convenience, split your turkey in half.

Brine

4 L hot water

1 C non-iodized salt

1.5 C brown sugar

4 t Colourquik (Prague Powder #1)

Dissolve dry ingredients in the water, and allow to cool. Use a non-reactive container - plastic works well. Once the brine has cooled, add the turkey, and leave in the fridge. De Sappeared was brined for 5 to 6 hours (roughly one hour per pound of turkey), but Mr Farmer thinks he will brine De Coy for longer.

Remove from the brine - there is no need to rinse. We rinsed one half of De Sappeared, and did not rinse the other. The un-rinsed half is more flavorsome. Leave the brined turkey in a plastic bag in the fridge overnight.

In the morning, prepare your smoker with manuka wood chips, and hang your turkey in the smoker for a good 6 hours. Once smoked, put the turkey in a roasting pan with a little water in the bottom (just under a centimeter - enough to stop the meat from drying out), and roast uncovered for two hours on a low heat, about 150°C.

Smoked turkey is similar to smoked chicken - if you can stop yourself from eating it straight off the bone, it goes well in sandwiches, salads, quiches and pizzas.

For the record, sources are correct - De Sappeared really is De Licious.

Cal-lamb-ity

Venus and Serena Woolliams (left and
right), with proud mother Arethra.

On the final day of Wimbledon, Venus and Serena Woolliams arrived on the farm in their pristine white tennis outfits. Proud mother Arethra's joy was short-lived, but much to Arethra's relief, so were the accusatory stares of the other new mothers in the flock. In a hidden corner of the paddock, a much bigger scandal was taking place. Fritzl's mum was giving birth again, this time to a little girl, Kerstin.

Kerstin. Cute, despite the awkward
family situation...

Roger claims that Fritzl's mum jumped the fence, but everybody knows that Roger is the only ram on the block. Additionally, Kerstin's resemblance to Fritzl and Roger is striking - but then, with such close family ties, that is only to be expected...

Earl E. Lamb and his half brother

Earl E. Lamb

Big Suffolk and Roger are proud to announce the birth of their son, Earl E. Lamb.


Whitney and Roger are also proud to announce the birth of their son, as yet unnamed.

Earl E.'s younger half brother

The rest of the community at Fiveacres say they already knew, because torrential rain and lambs go hand-in-hand, and also because Ewes of the World lambpooned Roger when it covered his brief but passionate affair with Whitney five months ago. Lambmentably, Big Suffolk and Whitney are not on speaking terms. Roger is feeling rather sheepish about the whole calambity, but is secretly ewephoric about being a father yet again.

Peter and Paul's slow-cooked pulled pork and black beans

Peter and Paul explore the Stytion.

Two zealous young recruits arrived at Fiveacres today, to replace the last member of the Stytion, sadly gunned down by a crazed gunman during a high-speed chase in the paddock. Peter and Paul, fresh out of police academy, hope to bring law, order, and tender, lean pork to the community of Fiveacres.




Slow-cooked pulled pork and black beans

2lb chunk of pork shoulder (or other marbled meat)
24 oz tomatoes
2 cloves garlic, sliced

Something to aspire to...

6 cloves garlic, minced
1/3 C leek, finely sliced (or green onions, if you have them)
1/3 C brown onion, finely chopped
4 t red wine vinegar
1/2 t dried oregano
1/2 C fresh cilantro
1/4 t chili powder
2 T cumin
2 T brown sugar
1/4 t cayenne pepper
1 t salt

1 can black beans**

Combine all ingredients except the black beans in a large pot, cover, and cook slowly for approximately 6 hours in a 210°F (100°C) oven, or a slow-cooker, until the meat is able to be pulled apart. For an authentic feeling (or, if it is the middle of Winter and your kitchen is too cold to venture into), cook at a very slow simmer on top of your firebox.

When the kitchen is too cold...

After about 6 hours, the meat should be ready to be pulled apart with a fork (this should require very little effort - if not, you need to cook your pork a little longer). Once you've pulled the pork apart, add the can of black beans. If you're using black beans in a sauce (Peter and Paul love La Costeña), you can add the sauce and beans. Otherwise, drain your beans first and add them. Cover, and cook slowly for another couple of hours.

Serve in a tortilla with cotija cheese***, rice, salad, pico de gallo, and plenty of cilantro.

**If you're from New Zealand, you're unlikely to be able to get these, so just leave them out (or substitute with kidney beans, if you must). Avoid at all costs impostor black beans such as Delmaine black beans in chilli sauce - you might as well throw in a can of baked beans.

*** If you're from New Zealand, you're also unlikely to get cotija. Engage in the services of a friendly goat and make some, or use a different type of cheese.

Better late than never

One happy bantam and her new chick.

Twenty-two days ago, the Little Black Bantam was busy sitting on two eggs. For seventeen days she sat, moving only to turn her eggs every half hour. Then, on Day Eighteen, along came the Big Impatient Bantam, who had been eyeing up the eggs for weeks. With one swift peck, the Big Impatient Bantam kicked the Little Black Bantam off the eggs. All the Little Black Bantam could do was watch from the nesting box next door.

On Day Twenty-One, one of the two eggs hatched. The Little Black Bantam had barely any time to admire little Colonel before the Big Impatient Bantam whisked the chick off to the Brooding Box. The Little Black Bantam moved onto the one remaining egg, just in case.
Her perseverance paid off. The Little Black Bantam's wish finally came true. The lonely egg hatched this morning, on Day Twenty-Two. The rest of the gossipy bantams are thrilled at the new addition to the family. They have named the little chick De Lay.

Hatching plans...

Introducing McNugget...

McNugget, front centre, Benedict, left rear, and Scramble,
front left inside the egg.

McNugget's slightly younger sibling Benedict...

Benedict, front left, and Scramble, centre rear inside the
egg.

Scramble, still hatching...

Scramble, and shell.

And their estranged sibling Colonel...

Colonel

Colonel was fostered as an egg to a broody bantam who, after months of trying to hatch a golf ball, was excited to have a viable egg. Two days before Colonel hatched, a chicken coup took place, and Colonel's foster mother was evicted from the nesting box. A larger, less patient bantam seized the opportunity to go broody just before the egg hatched. Colonel now lives with two mothers, inside the chicken coop.

Colonel's siblings were hatched inside an incubator, and are currently sharing a bedroom in the farmhouse. Mr Farmer is of the opinion that they ought to be sent to live in foster care with Colonel, despite the slightly unstable family situation.

Love thy Neighbor

Bob, whose life was a black abyss.

Ewes of the World broke the scandalous story of Bob and Yortu's (second) break-up, in an exclusive, tell-all interview with Yortu. Such was the heartbreak and anguish that the gossipy bantams took time out from picketing to read the article, and Lecter even ceased his endless barking long enough to read the story in the dim light of his cell.

Shortly before the article went to press, Yortu was spotted fleeing Fiveacres with her and Bob's day-old son, De Sappeared*. The pair haven't been seen since.

Bob, Yortu's jilted lover, was devastated by the disappearance of De Sappeared and Yortu. So much so, that on a dark and stormy Tuesday evening, Bob was seen leaving Fiveacres Farm and wandering dejectedly toward the local Petitentiary. With his head hung low, and his caruncles blue with melancholy, he dragged one foot after the other up the steep (but beautifully-mown) hill, and stopped at the edge of the fence. He drew a heavy breath, and his brow furrowed with concentration. He flexed his wings and leapt, a little unsteadily, over the fence, landing with a loud thump on the deck by Lecter's cell.

Lecter, chained to his cell, had been so busy barking at an imaginary intruder that he hadn't even noticed the real one. At the sound of Bob's somewhat ungraceful landing, Lecter jerked his head up, and blinked. Perched on the deck in the driving rain was a turkey who looked just like Bob, that philandering turkey from Fiveacres who had made the front page of Ewes of the World. Lecter licked his lips, and rummaged around in his cell for some cranberry sauce.

All he found was a half-empty bottle of mint sauce.

Salivating, Lecter crouched, ready to pounce. A young shaver hen, watching the goings on from her nearby coop, shrieked in panic. Bob's eyes flicked up toward the hen, and he gasped.

Even in the pouring rain, the hen's glossy, rust-red shone. Bob's caruncles turned bright red. Who cared about some old turkey when there were hot young chicks out there? He was too young to die. Bob leapt, just in time, into a nearby tree. Seconds later, Lecter crashed with full force into the deck, the mint sauce bottle shattering on impact. Bob perched precariously on his branch, wondering if this time he really was stuffed.

At that very moment, the sound of a late-model european car pulling into the driveway caught Bob's attention. Bob exhaled - surely this was one of the prison guards, here to rescue him. The Neighbor, exiting his late-model european car, surveyed the chaos with horror. The deck was covered in turkey droppings. What would people think? Then the Neighbor's eyes settled on Bob, perched high in the tree, and a slow grin edged its way across his face. The Neighbor rubbed his hands in glee and pulled out his cellphone. Excellent, he said as he dialed Mr Farmer's number. Something else to complain about.

*If you haven't read Freakonomics, you really ought to.

Hens cry fowl over lay-offs

Angry left-wing socialists called for capitalism to be
eggstinguished.

Poultry of Albany's Chicken Executive Officer (CEO) this morning announced a plan to make all 12 laying hens redundant, and to hire a replacement workforce. The proposed restructuring comes after Poultry of Albany the workers' union Kollective For Chickens (KFC) demanded a colleggtive employment eggreement and pay increases of 2.5% - a demand made in response to Poultry of Albany's plans to double productivity, as measured by the number of eggs produced per day, from 6 to 12. Workers state that the proposed target of one egg per bird per day goes against the grain, and that the present laying roster system is a more realistic eggspectation.

After the announcement, Poultry of Albany workers scrambled to arrange a meeting with KFC representatives to plan strike action over the proposed redundancies. Said one hen, "Poultry of Albany will be left with egg on their face when production stops; the neggative publicity and pressure this will eggcert on them will make them crack."

A flock of left-wing socialists circling the farm with placards speculated that Poultry of Albany had plans to poach a specialized team of point-of-lay Brown Shavers from a neighboring farm. Egged on by the rumours, angry union members told reporters that they would not be beaten by Poultry of Albany's capitalism: "The proposed lay-offs are just an eggscuse to avoid having to shell out for what really is a poultry increase in wages."

Pork, sage, apple and cheddar meatballs (in loving memory of Detective Inspector P Igg)

Detective Inspector P. Igg down at the
Stytion, in happier days.

FIVEACRES Stytion today mourned the passing of Detective Inspector P. Igg, shot and fatally stabbed in an altercation with Mr Farmer. Farmer, returning from his paper round, was seen entering the Sytion with a .22 calibre rifle. Paramedics arrived on the scene but were unable to revive Igg: "He was bleeding like a stuck pig."
At the funeral, held today, mourners were wallowing in misery. Igg's colleague Constable S. Wine said in her euology, "[Igg] could be a bit pig-headed at times, and he liked to hog the limelight and boar you with his work stories, but his heart was in the right place, and he was focused on bringing home the bacon. He was our best interrogator; he really gave the suspects a grilling."
Farmer, who does not like to mince words, was unavailable for comment. Investigators could not confirm a motive, although sources suggest the pair's relationship sowered after Igg told Farmer a porky. A memorial pignic will be held this Sunday.

Pork, sage, apple and cheddar meatballs

250g pork mince
3 T breadcrumbs
1/2 medium onion, finely chopped
3 T aged, bandaged goat cheddar*, finely grated
sprig of sage, finely chopped (about 4 leaves)
1 small apple, peeled and finely grated
1/2 t salt

Mix all ingredients together, and shape into four large-ish balls (their size helps retain moisture). Bake in a 150°C oven for 40 minutes. Serve warm.

* Don't be put off. The cheddar just enhances the flavor, it doesn't hog the limelight.

Aged goat cheddar and tomato tart

Aged bandaged goat cheddar, pictured here with lavosh
and two chutneys. The tart itself looked lovely, but got
eaten before anybody could think about taking a photo.

This tart is the perfect accompaniment to any Summer-evening barbecue - we used our second ever aged bandaged goat cheddar, and adapted this recipe to suit the sweeter, tangier flavor of goat cheddar. With thanks to Helen, who produced the milk that made the cheddar, and Mr Farmer, for being on the taste-test panel.

Flaky Cheddar Pastry:

200 g white flour
50 g butter
50 g lard*
25 g aged goat cheddar**, finely grated
1/8 t cayenne pepper
1 t salt
dash freshly cracked black pepper
2 T water

Rub butter and lard into flour, cayenne and salt. Stir in cracked pepper, then mix in water. Leave to rest at room temperature for 15 minutes. Roll out, press into a shallow 26-cm (10 inch) pie tin - the trick is to make the sides extend only a little above the base, as the filling doesn't add much height, and the sides do overcook easily. Cover with baking paper (or tinfoil, if you're out of baking paper), fill with beans (or other small, weighty, oven-proof objects), and bake in a preheated 190°C (370°F) oven for 10 minutes. Remove the baking paper and beans, and bake for a further five minutes. Remove from the oven and leave to cool.

Filling:

6 medium-sized tomatoes, halved
salt, pepper and oil
1 egg
1 t dijon mustard
20 g aged goat cheddar**, finely grated
pinch of thyme

While your pastry is resting, put a little oil, salt and pepper in a baking dish, and place the halved tomatoes cut-side down on top of the oil. Bake for 10 minutes at 190°C (your oven should be conveniently preheated to this temperature at this stage). Remove from the oven and leave to cool - the tomatoes should be soft but not shapeless at this point. In the meantime, beat the egg, and mix with the dijon mustard, thyme and finely-grated goat cheddar. You'll end up with a rather thick mixture - don't panic; it is meant to turn out like this.

Once your pastry and tomatoes have cooled, remove the tomato skins (and cores), and slice the tomatoes in half again. Spread the egg mixture over the cooked pastry shell, then place the tomatoes on top. Cook in a 190°C oven for 20 minutes. You can serve the tart warm, but it really is nicest cold.

*you can use butter (or margarine) in place of lard, but lard makes a wonderful, light pastry.
 **actually, any old cheddar will suffice, but don't tell Helen.

Ewes of the World

If there's scandal on the farm, you can be sure that the Ewes of the World will be there to report it. Shortly before Christmas, they bought exclusive rights to Yortu and Bob's story about the disappearance of their seven chicks (that's why you didn't read about it in the Countryside Chronicle). Ewes of the World also broke scandals such as the Bob-Leghorn-Affair Debacle (exclusive interviews with the Leghorn, purported to have been hired as a nanny for Bob's unborn chicks), and featured an exclusive, tell-all piece on Lecter (who now alleges his dog-and-bone was hacked). They were also the driving force behind the rumors about Vindie-Lou's paternity.

Whitney (far right), alive and kicking, with Arethra (left, with
scurs) and Fritzl's Mum (centre).

The Gossipy Bantams are the primary source of revenue for Ewes of the World. If you visit the chicken coop on a Sunday morning, you'll find (amid the haphazard piles of old Ewes of the World papers with pages dog-eared and torn as a result of greedy, gossip-seeking bantam claws, and cross-words and sudokus filled out, albeit incorrectly) the Gossipy Bantams, glued to the day's copy of Ewes of the World, clucking quietly over the latest scandal.

On Sunday Feb 12, just after the Ewes of the World was delivered, raucous crowing filled the chicken coop. On the front page, Ewes of the World reported that Whitney had been found dead in a bath tub. Speculation was rife; had she been drinking from one of the troughs in the paddock, slipped on the trough-slime that Mr Farmer hadn't cleaned up, and fallen in? Was this the work of the Lecter-like attacker, or the Rural Ripper, trying to disguise the murder as a tragic accident? How would Nicole Ritchie cope with the loss of her mother? And what about Whitney's on-again off-again lover (and father of Nicole) Roger, still in the Intensive Care Unit?

Ewes of the World today issued a retraction. Whitney (pictured) is alive and well, although as a precautionary measure has opted to steer clear of the bathtub troughs and instead drink from the pond. 

Countryside Chronicle February 9th, 2012

Vicious attack on elderly ram: Police fear Lecter-inspired rampage.

Authorities are appealing for sightings of
a sheepish-looking dog carrying a bottle
of mint sauce. Photo: Identikit.

PARAMEDICS today rushed an elderly ram found wounded in the front paddock to intensive care. Roger Ram, a longstanding member of the Fiveacres Flock, is in a critical condition, being treated for lacerations, puncture wounds and flystrike complications.

Local authorities at the Stytion have called in the Farm Bureau of Investigation (FBI) and Chicken Intelligence Agency (CIA), and are appealing for witnesses to the attack. In a press conference this afternoon, investigators would neither confirm nor deny the involvement of the Lecter killer, who is serving a life sentence for the killings of three lambs. Police stated that while Ram fits the profile of Lecter's victims, the MO was generally different, in that Ram was left wounded but not dead. Authorities suspect a copycat killer, and are appealing for sightings of a dog carrying a half-empty bottle of mint sauce, who is a key person of interest to the case. Said Detective Inspector P. Igg, "The attacker has sought to pull the wool over our eyes by mimicking the Lecter killings. We suspect the perp is a youth or adolescent, looking for a sheep thrill; he's gone on a rampage, and it's shear luck that the victim survived." Police also noted that Ram was found without his wallet: "He's been fleeced."

Roger Ram, in a critical but stable
condition in the Intensive Care Unit.

Hospital staff this afternoon confirmed that Ram is in a critical but stable condition. Members of the Fiveacres Flock are being cared for by Victim Support. Anyone with information regarding the killer or person of interest is encourage to contact the local Stytion.